so much i need to spill, don't know where to start. therefore it shall stay this way.
My life needs a change. and I'm working on it. :) Come october. life's nothing but a huge ass mess right now.
so much i need to spill, don't know where to start. therefore it shall stay this way.
My life needs a change. and I'm working on it. :) Come october. life's nothing but a huge ass mess right now.
I guess its time i come to my senses. time to go, time to go.. how long am i going to let myself feel like that? many asked me this question already, no? My answer have always been the same "well, i dont know..". I guess i havent been giving it much thought. Its either that, or that i have been thinking too much. :) tsk..
And then i think back on all the advices ive given people, all the quotes, all my beliefs and my own sayings.. i realize i dont practice what i preach. well, at least not anymore. and why? i wonder. why? whats there for me to hold on to anyway? Nothing.. Another question frequently asked "Why put yourself through such misery?" and i answer the same shit "idk."
previously, the many times i waited.. the SNAP came early to save me. now, i feel the snap coming but i am denying it. and WHY!? fuck my life. i dont understand. so i thought about it. flipping it over and over in my mind. then i realized this fear. im not naming it here for everyone to know. but theres this one fear and i am still not ready to face it. not yet. but maybe soon. :)
I am not as strong as everyone think me to be. myself included. its pretty disappointing tho.
And then i wonder.. whatever happened to the old me? the confident, strong, independent me. the one who needed no one. who needed no close bonds. who was perfectly fine or even better off being alone. whatever happened to that? at times, i still feel that way though. but its not as much as before.. and it surprise me somehow that i allowed myself to change. :) so much. this much.. changes are good. this change is good.
i'll just need to learn to get back up. bounce. i needa bounce back up. Right now, i feel numb. once in awhile i feel empty to my soul. i dont know. hollow. so empty i can cry but only for abit before i subconsciously keep my emotions in check again. They tell me i need to cry. i need to cry so hard and so bad till i cant cry anymore. but i cant do it. even if i let myself, its just a few tears before i stop. i just cant. and this is killing me softly.
well, maybe i havent reach breaking point yet. and when i do, i believe thats when i let my world crumble for a bit. honestly i am looking forward to building my world back up but i am not sure about letting it crumble. about letting my guards down and my walls down.
This days. although much have happened. ive laughed ive smiled ive socialized.. ive done things that usually would have made my day. Usually, meeting friends and seeing new people makes my day. i love meeting new people. nowadays, i just feel like im putting on my mask once again. Back to square one, 3 yrs ago. i laugh but the laughter dont reach my eyes. and all the smiles, tho i tried.. were just empty smiles. pretense. i seem to have excelled in it ever since 3 yrs ago no?
and this is the one thing about all my traits that i have a lovehate relationship with. i dont know if i liked it or not. good and bad good and bad. sigh! i remember blogging about this many years back and now, many years later, im blogging about it again. tsk. what am i to do with myself? :)
see how things goes.
see, i am okay. people, quit worrying.
I know I've screwed up. I've been doing it almost flawlessly these days huh? i guess i owe you all the truth, the reason why i got so detached, why i don't feel like meeting up. why I'm so different all over again. so here's why.
I've been so high up only to be thrown back down over and over. In the past months, I've cried till i thought my eyes would bleed, I've laughed till i almost died, I've felt so lost i almost went crazy, so helpless i hated myself, so jealous(yeah for the first time), so insecure, so annoyed, so angry, so empty, so excited, so alone, so everything. good and bad, all and all.. i have experienced every emotion humanly possible in a span of a few months. champion, no? :)
Fortunately, i am still surviving. I've learnt so much. and because of all these, i feel myself trying to detach myself from my friends again. to go away for abit. to feel myself again.. :) to feel unbreakable.
Ive done some really impulsive things. things that wouldn't please my friends very much. Just because I wasn't able to handle my emotions properly, I've hurt and angered some really close to my heart. I've missed Freddie's birthday bash though not deliberate. but i was too caught up with my emotions to remember such stuff. Ive broken my promise to go USS together with baby girl jessie. Ive neglected so many. Then again, i was forgiven even before i can apologize. saying they know me for me, they know apologizing is hard for me. knowing me so well, understanding me and really worrying for me.
Sometimes, i think i don't deserve people treating me like this. i don't know what i did to have such smacking awesome people in my life. i can easily name many now. people whom i know will stand by me no matter what and will try to shelter me from the world. I am not perfect and i am not awesome, yet they love me for me. although at times i can be the biggest bitch, it doesn't affect them, they're still there. :) although i do not show it often enough and i know you all know that i have problems expressing appreciations.. do know that I am aware of all the things you all have done for me. all the shits I've put you all through. i am thankful to have you all in my life, really. i don't know what i'll do without you. :) and i know u all believe that i do not need anyone, thanks. i am strong but not invincible. so, i do need you all. :) i know i do.
i need you all to know that you all don't have to worry about me. really. i dont like you all worrying about me, fussing over me. i'll be okay. you all really need to stop spoiling me rotten! :) I'm always having my ways with all of you. tsk!
anyway i know many of you are probably against the idea of me doing what i am doing. maybe not against, but just think I'm pretty stupid? well, remember that this was what you all did before. for you all, it was a lesson learnt. for me, its new. I've never been here in this situation. i'll never know and i'll never learn if i don't try. and i'll still be that arrogant, snobbish, overconfident bitch that intimidates many. i know my chances and i know what I'm risking. i mean, whats the worst that can happen? i'll get knocked down face flat in mud again, along with my ego and my pride. so? i'll just have to suck it up and get back up, no? :) and when i do, i walk away with new insights. its not like I'm going back to an old relationship that turned bad or something. so you can't really call me stupid.. LOLS. anyways, every bad experience is a lesson learn.
i am not asking you all to accept what i do. but I'm just reasoning it out. :) I've already come this far, theres nothing much left for me to lose. this is just what i feel and how i think and my reasons why.
i wanna say THANK YOU! For worrying about me constantly but yet trying so hard to look like every things fine, trying not to ask me because you all know thats what i want. Thanks for trying to protect me from the world. for always being there. for forgiving me for all my wrongs and for all the things i am supposed to do but failed. most of all, thank you for accepting me the way i am, understanding me and how i deal with my shit. thank you for loving me even though i am far from perfect.
Sorry, for not being good enough and not being awesome. sorry i always screw things up when i get too caught up with emotions. :))<p>Do know that i love y'all very very much. <3 and and very thankful to have you all. i might not be there to have fun with y'all, but when y'all are down and out, i'll fly down really. </p> <p>Renny, Kok, jun, Apple, Jessie, Theo, Ryan, Gay, Aud, Char, Jar, Ryd, and moreeeeeeeeee. <3 </p>
I was at Paramore's concert last night. and man, they were AWESOME! :) Hayley was smokin' hot. The crowd was a bitch though. we were in the mosspit and yea, theres these really rowdy bunch of dumbass-think-theyre-really-cool mattreps trying to be clowns of the clowns really. And surprisingly, the crowd was pretty nerdy. What the fuck happened to all the kick ass punk rock jamming crazy kinda people? :\ well, i guess thats the thing about going mainstream, your songs just suddenly appeal to all kinds of people and all kinds of age. tsk!
i had my fair share of fun and screamed till my throat gave way. Jumped like mad, pushed, screamed, headbanged, you name it, we did it. :) Paramore is still awesome. i remember the first song i listened to was - My heart. and i loved them since then. :)) wow.
Anyway i really gotta thank Kyte(Amelia) for bringing me there la. and helping me with queue cutting. HAHAHA! I met two really awesome people as well, Lina and Ching. Practically went crazy with me. :)) it was a mad night. mad awesome night.. :) Thank youuuuu.
ive got so much on my mind right now. so much. well, i guess my life took another turn. triggering all sorts of funny random out of the blue thoughts. all the theories in life, all the experience ive gained and the shit ive been through. all the things i thought i knew. ya, well.. im starting to question them now.
all my achievements, were they really mine? all the decisions i made, were they really right? every freaking thing. my minds on overdrive. were my failures solely my fault? was i really not blame for all the hurt i put them through? am i really that awesome to have made a change in peoples life? or am i just another average jane? did i make a difference? did i do right? did i do well? or did i fail without knowing so. all the things i believed in, how much truth were in them? are they even true at all? am i really as strong as everyone thinks me to be? am i as strong as i believed i am?
its a never ending list.
came to the conclusion that, its the same. it only depends on how you want to look at it. how you want others to see it. For in every lie, theres a little bit of truth. For every wrong, there is right. For every good, there is bad. For every black, there is white. so when i think of all these, i realize that ive always thought i did right. decisions, beliefs, things i did, reasons, everything.. ive always tried to think whats right. whats fair. whats good. How naive and silly.. LOL.
well, i guess that comes with confidence. the more confident, the more certain, the more you believe in what you think and feel and do. Now, right or wrong doesnt matter anymore. because no matter what decisions one thinks right, would be wrong to the other. all the things i did previously, thinking its for the best, thinking its right.. but to look at it from the other party's view, its no doubt, wrong.
Im not being negative here. so if any of you are starting to worry for me, its not necessary. :)) im just reflecting. and my mind is racing nonstop on random thoughts.
When i see my friends and listen to their heart felts. theres just so many different emotions and scenarios.. Dissatisfaction, anger, frustration, selfishness, selflessness, love, hate, sadness, guilt, hopelessness, etc. i just dont know what to say to them for i know what theyre going through. especially when you know what they want to hear yet you cannot say it to them because you know that that is not the truth.
there is really so much so much i want to say, i just dont know where to start and how to continue. theres so many things i dont understand. so many questions in my head.
honestly, i dont feel the most happy but i am surviving. im not sad, not angry, not disappointed.. maybe just puzzled. looking back, was i really happy? was it enough that i can not give two hoots to the world and what they think? i dont remember? maybe i was really happy, and i didnt even realise it. could that even be possible? or have i just been chasing temporary highs? maybe i am just pretty messed up inside without myself knowing. wtf, i am confusing myself.
and when i was at my happiest.. is there a limit? can i experience happiness beyond that? and not forgetting times i thought i would die. times when i cried so hard for the many months, fell into depression and was a real mess. times when i crashed face down. will there be times i get more broken than i was? or will i slowly get use to it, and it wouldnt hurt that much anymore? immune?
How come i dont learn even after all these tears, heartaches and scars. why is it that im still not afraid of loving? how can i still have faith in love? HOW COME I STILL BELIEVE LOVE ALWAYS WINS? god, i must be the most retarded person alive. but i guess, id rather have faith in it than not at all. :)
i really wonder, how i made it this far. really..
what do people mean when they say "tomorrow will be a better day"? as in, what do they really think when they say that? or was it just something people say to make someone else feel better knowing absolutely well, it doesnt change anything. "Everything will be fine" - Really? like how'd you know? i used to feel like that, think like that. thats why i absolutely hate it when i had to confide in people and they keep reciting the same thing to me. when you're down and flat, everything everyone else says to you just seem wrong. and i apologise to those i was mean to just because you were trying to make me feel better but i didnt wanna listen. :D i am stubborn like that.
And now i wonder, when people say that to me. what were they thinking? why do you think it will be alright? whats your reason behind saying those? or is even a reason?
because when i say it i really believe in every single alphabet.. like everythings gonna be fine. it might not turn out the way you want it to be. but ultimately, at the end of the day.. you're just gonna be fine. its a survivor thing i guess? that made me what i am today i guess. everythings gonna be fine. i dont have to worry my silly head too much about a lot of things cos in the end, i will be able to cope. i will find a way. if things dont work out, theres always another solution. if theres no other solution, then you gotta change the problem. and adapt. and things will be fine all over again.
see the problem? i suppose i am too certain of myself. i realized this days when i experience freaking insecurities for the fucking first time of my life.. that it was because of my confidence, it was because i believed too much in myself that i almost died of negativity. the confusion is this..
you would say that if i am confident and certain of myself, i should NOT have ANY insecurities. which was how i was previously? and almost cried thinking i am less confident now, less certain, that i have changed into someone smaller, someone lesser than strong, someone vulnerable, someone whose scared of everything.. Thats true to a certain extend. lets look at another point of view now.
when one has always been so confident and so sure of herself. when one has always counted on her own instincts and worked on her own beliefs.. not letting others influence her. how can she not be certain? how can she not believe her feelings? how to when shes always proven herself right? ... One day something struck her and she started looking at all the different scenarios.. turns a little negative. with time, she'd be very negative thinking, no? because she's always counted on herself despite what others may have to say. because shes very certain of her instincts n thinking, no?
so i guess i now know why at one point of time, when i am feeling negative, i go all the way down low.. panicked because i sensed the change and not wanting to lose myself, slowly made my way up again.
everything happens for a reason. its just a matter of time. :) i have always believed in this..
there is not reason for this post at all. no meanings. its just me and my random thoughts. theres just so much more to learn in life. i just need to be more aware. :)) i just feel pretty alone now.
Ive been like this for a few weeks now i suppose? like all i wanna do is just lay LOW. I dont feel like heading to town, no mood to bring the party ons, no wish to meet up with random people. weirdly, i am perfectly fine with staying in the entire day just lazing around the house. :)
Anyway, the past few days have been nothing but chilling and more chilling. :) and i am enjoying every single moment of it. Theres this day eunice came over to my place and spent the entire afternoon/evening watching big bangs and all with me till like 1am? i didnt even feel like i wasted a day at home! like normally, i'd get frustrated and all, but then it didnt happen. :) but of course, we had balls of fun.
Theres this other day when theo called and demanded dinner or meetup giving an excuse saying its our holidays and all. :) knowing he isnt feeling too awesome, i called on warren and brought eunice with me. Head all the way down to East Coast Park to chill and talk. Dropped Theo off and 3 of us went to KAMPONG PARK(this little garden like area near warrens place) and share ghost stories till all 3 of us got scared. HAHAHAHA! =)
Another day when one of the breads wasnt feeling right. so they brought me to Canopy at bishan park 1. Where we can drink smoke and talk. :) Was like a heart to heart talk session between all of us. Purely htht and chilling.. it felt like a night well spent. usually i wouldnt feel that way, but i dont know why these days.. i just am happy laying really low. :\
Yesterday was just WORK. 2-10. and Eunice had 2 tuition in a row and dinner plans right after tuition. So i didnt really get to whatzapp her much yesterday. felt weird really. but she came to surprise me after work. I WAS ECSTATIC! :) mad happy to see her kind? she came to see me for abit and then sent me home.
AND TODAY! will be dinner with eunice and her friends yk and rox. :) laterrrrrrs~
And if you ask me, I'd say with a smile..
"darlings, I'm happy now. :)"
:) I no longer feel the emptiness.
No longer doubting myself.
No longer thinking I'm probably going crazy with all that blank emotions.
They just, don't seem to matter anymore.
I'm just happy.
With each passing day, things just keeps getting better for me.
Soon I'll have my life back, up and running.
My life back in order. :)
Give me sometime, I'll get there.
No longer an emotional wreck. :))
Don't have to worry for me for the time being really.
It's a gamble.
Love always wins anyway.
Keep telling myself that.
I need to rant: ICA's A MOTHER BITCH! Daaaaaaamn
These long weekend (Sat,Sun and Labour day) i've spent much time on my own.
Thinking, reminiscing and reflecting..
trying to get to the root of all this blank emotions.
still, i dont get much of it.
but what i've figured out was that previously, i have too little time.
in fact, almost NO time at all for anything..
Weekends were all burnt at the Estee lauder counter at work.
weekdays were all school, and after school it would be meeting the boyf for dinner with his fam or just cuddling infront of the television and sorts.
And that had been my life for like the last 1year and 6 months at least.
Right before that was 24/7 work,school and girlfriends because i was so down i think i almost was suicidal(ok, joking..)
Then i had Raul before i left him, and before raul it was the other xboyf..
who also took up almost every minute of my life back then. --"
That life with the xbf was at least 3 years.
i guess i was a failure at balancing my time. LOLS. but cmon!
when you're in a stable r/s, thats what you do what! no meh?
meet up hang out, crash their place and sorts..
but the thing was all my r/s was pretty controlling..
i wasnt allowed to do this, that and this and that..
so everything was pretty much mundane. and i had no time at all.
not much time for myself, my friends or my family.
NOW, its fking crazy.
i am unemployed which alone means tooooooooo much time on my own.
and i am single. which really brings "too much time" to whole new dimension.
i reckon i am just not used to it.
thus feeling the way i feel every now and then.
i guess its just me tryna seek my comfort zone. back to what things were like before and all.
Because thats what my life was like, since forever! *grumbles.
So ive decided, screw all these nonsense to hell and back!
i'm gonna have to slowly find my bearings and work towards it.
First, i gotta start working again. Then i'll start gyming back at Great world city.
at the same time, get all my priorities right.
studies first no matter what.
parties are for weekends only.
and the list just goes on..
With this, im pretty darn sure that i'll be fine in the time to come.
maybe occasional breakdowns when the emptiness starts eating at me and all.
but then i should be fine. :)
no one dies of emptiness. (shall keep telling myself that)
hahaha! its just a life too unfamiliar to me.
i will get use to this. :) i WILL!
So its back to school now and i am so done with my IPP(in short, attachment).
Not that i hated my attachment or workplace, infact i actually loved being there.
its just i dont like to commit my time there for too long. 11-7 everyday for 2 months was slowly killing me.
Didnt have much time to go out, and when i did, i dont have enough time to rest and be ready for the next day.
was suffering from severe lack of sleep.
Weekends was the usuals, party with the boys or doing something healthy or anything with them la.
Usually its one saturday's energy drained and then i had to rest on sunday.
And the cycle repeats itself, monday, tuesday.. etc, etc.
It was pretty bad, i ended up with major major breakouts and everyone knows i hardly have zits.
screwed up my period cycle big time and all. got moody and grouchy all the time.
thank god, i am so done with ipp.
now that i havent been there for 6 days, i am kind of missing my colleagues. :)
hahahaha! After all that lunch and all together, i miss them nao!
im going back for part time tho, wait for me people! im coming back. :D
School's been awesomely mundane! Been going through the usual rituals of a new semester.
know, get to know the repeat students if any, gossip about holidays(which for this case is IPP since we din have hols), catching up, queuing 10 years to get our new books from the print shop and all. not to mention having panic attacks when drawing lots for random groupings for different modules. :) I didnt realize i actually missed all this.
This two days been great. i mingled with my classmates to catch up and all during lessons also. not something i do very often. was not seated with the usual clique. i guess changes are good. hahaha. i actually have to cos i cant sit at the back anymore. without my specs, i really cant see shit.
had to sit in the middle even during lecture, not that i was listening la. :) i tried! Having theo beside me during lecture is the best, seriously. i cannot even do my usual ear-in-ear-out because he was talking to me nonstop. LOLS.
oh well! then lecture with susheelan and all was forever tapping out cards and going out for tea, lunch, latelunch, prelunch or post lunch makan. LOLS! :)
i miss this shit. school.
i guess career will really have to come a little later for me for up till now, i have no clue what i want to do.
i for sure as hell would not want to be working in the banks.
so yup, still searching, still looking for my direction.
for now, study first, enjoy being a student and absorb as much self development lessons as possible.
its still during school that we learn all this life lessons and character development. :D
8 am lesson tomorrow. :)
fml x infinity!
No idea where these feelin's are coming from.
No idea what these emotions are..
No idea what triggered them..
All I know is, it leaves me feeling kinda.. Broken.
I guess I've did it again.. The same mistake over and over.. And over again..
Always controlling the damned emotions.
Always denying myself the right to cry, to feel sad, to feel vulnerable.. Breakable.
over time it accumulates and snap every once in awhile..
So much so I dont even know what I am feeling anymore..
I hate this..
I'm an emotional wreck now.,
Theres absolutely no reason at all, for my tears to fall.
And tonight, they crash around me..
I really cant figure this whole thing out.
I refuse to let myself crumble..
But tonight, I'm letting go of my control..
And cry myself to sleep.
I feel so.. Hollow...